Note from the webmaster: When you read this review, you'll find it helpful to consider it's time and place: 1993, when the wounds of the Van Halen to Van Hagar transition were still relatively fresh. While I agree with the bulk of Jon's tirade (Hagar's "gimme some pussy" outburst during "Finish What Ya Started" is truly uninspiring), I have to take issue with any attack on the songs "Dreams" and "Right Now." The former for its lyrical capturing of youthful optimism, and the latter for its provocative video. When challenged on these points, Jon concedes that he unfairly relegated the songs to "love trilogy" status (see below). So don't send us any emails, he already repents.

Flying Shrapnel
Hard Reviews for Hard Times

Right Here, Right Now -
Van Halen Live

Right now, Van Halen is sucking millions of dollars from strangely willing consumers. Right now, Van Halen isn't really Van Halen at all, but Van Hagar, an abysmal marriage of a screaming idiot and a once-pioneering, now-complacent band of rich, unimaginative, resting-on-their-laurels superstars who have actually managed to convince themselves that they are better off without former lead vocalist David Lee Roth.

The maddening thing is that, at least financially, they probably are. Van Halen has sold more than 50 million albums to date, and their last three studio albums all went to number one. I have to admit it: this newly released, twenty-four track live CD will probably be as absurdly successful as the rest of Van Hagar's radio rehash.

It may seem incredible, but Van Halen wasn't always a predictable corporate rock machine. Fifteen years ago (imagine!), a very different band invaded album-oriented rock and gave American adolescence a whole new set of brass balls, or in some cases, ovaries. Acne was made bearable by the genius combination of Eddie Van Halen's exquisitely crisp guitar licks and David Lee Roth's arrogant, proud over-the-topness.

This glorious band used to drive the best home with a scent of danger and unrest. The Cradle did Rock - thanks to Roth's brazen sexuality, his off-color, sexist honesty, and best of all, the blessed humor and self-mockery ("Ice Cream Man") that kept the band from trying to be too important when they weren't.

While Roth did his thing, Eddie Van Halen nearly revolutionized modern rock guitar. That volatile clash of personalities drove Van Halen to greatness. But after recording the groundbreaking 1984, the creative tension snapped. Roth was kicked out due to "personal differences," Sammy Hagar was recruited, and Van Halen dove into the void they seemed to have confused with creative success.

For those millions who do love Van Hagar, you'll be glad to know that Right Here, Right Now features all the latest "smashes." As for the old die-hards out there, I'm sorry to say that classics like "Unchained" and "Runnin' With the Devil" have been replaced by post-Roth filler, the most troubling of which is the hit-singles-about-love trilogy, "When It's Love," "Love Walks In," and "Why Can't This Be Love."

In the now-irrelevant good-old-days, Van Halen sang about sex and partying because that's what they knew, but sometime after Roth was given his papers, Van Halen decided to get in bed with the Top Forty and sing all about love, a subject which they know comparatively little about ("How do I know that it's love/I can't tell you but it lasts forever"). The love trilogy acts as a romantic tranquilizer on the listener, who is then in enough of a dumb stupor to truly appreciate lead singer Sammy Hagar's "go-for-it-you-can-do-it" pop psychology anthems. "Dreams," "Right Now," and "Give to Live" are the three cornerstones of Hagar's philosophy of self-realization, which can best be described as "Don't give up, even though my lyrics suck."

Right Here, Right Now's other serious flaws include the extravagantly dull instrumental solos and the unforgivable butchering of "Won't Get Fooled Again," a so-called "tribute to the Who." They had no right. It's just as well that Van Halen only mauls four of their pre-Hagar numbers.

Van Halen's latest does have some strong points, such as its great live sound quality. And as much as I hate the haughty Hagar, he is a stronger live singer than Roth was. The best songs of the new lot ("Right Now," "Best of Both Worlds") actually do sound better than I expected. Even "Finish What Ya Started" has its appeal, mostly because Hagar drops his peace and love pose and lets out his desperate plea: "C'mon baby... I need some pussy!"

There's no denying the quantity of material on Right Here, or the intense, well-intentioned effort behind it. But I don't care what anyone says - they'll always be Van Hagar to me, a minor musical tragedy cloaked in massive album sales.